Lars Breaxface, Werewolf in Space
Brandon Getz
(1 reviews)
Exiled from his home planet after exposure to a lycanthropic virus, orbit-salvager Lars Breaxface ... Show More
Genres:
Adventure, Comedy, Cross-Genre, Horror, Sci Fi, Sci Fi Western
Tags:
sci-fi, space opera, science fiction, werewolf, wolfman, lone wolf, space adventure, aliens, drinking, lasers, wolves, space, universe, galaxy, spoof, sendup, satire

Chapter 1

It was a Tuesday. In a grungy space saloon called the Pickled Quasar, some Siskelian asteroid smuggler said something about Mrs. Breaxface, his sainted mother, and Lars growled like a rabid moondog. He tossed his pint of purple toward the dim light of the rafters, punching that smuggler and each of his crew in the chin before the glass crashed and shattered and purple mixed with bloodspatter on the chockablock steel floor of the bar. Because that’s what Lars Breaxface does. That’s who Lars Breaxface is: He is a puncher of chins.

    The one-eyed bartender had a tentacle around the trigger of a rifle, and everybody, even the reptilian barslaves, were gawking at the hairy, tattooed Terran surrounded by unconscious Siskelians. 

    “Fuck off to some other rock,” the bartender spat, spraying the bar with its mouthfoam. “We don’t truck with brawlers. It’s bad for our insurance premiums.”

    Lars shrugged heavy, hirsute shoulders and tossed a couple of coins on the table.

    “They started it,” he grumbled. “I just finished it.”

    “Insults don’t break my furniture.” The bartender motioned toward the entry tube with the nose of its gun. “Now get the fuck out. I see your ugly puss in here again, I call StatSec, and those greasers drop you out the airlock.”

    A couple of the smugglers were moving now, groaning. It was easy to hear them—even the music had stopped in the Quasar. You could hear a plantform flex its root system in that kind of silence. And one did, in a corner, one branch wrapped around a bucket of chlorogin. Its leaves sagged with inebriation, and it watched Lars through the myriad yellowed eyes in its trunk, giving him the willies, even more than the rifle aimed at his big, pulsing throat.

    “Backspace shithole,” Lars said, almost loud enough for the bartender to hear. He maneuvered his large frame toward the sphincter of the entry tube, the multi-hued crowd parting to give him a wide berth. The sphincter dilated as he neared it, and he stepped into the blue neon of the tube, shuffling toward the main hub of the waystation, hoping there was someplace to get a shave and a blowjob, not necessarily in that order.

*
 
Neon and trid flashed everywhere: a spinning space disco selling everything from dick to dried vegetables. Lars eyed the whores in the red-lit archways, looking for a biped or at least something that wouldn’t require too much creativity. It’d been weeks, jetting hyperspace in his cruiser from the last backspace station in the middle of nowhere, orbiting nothing useful, he’d jacked off so much his sock drawer looked like a hive of tube worms. He was smiling at a feline pygmy with a big wet mouth when he felt a tongue on his ear. He turned to see the proboscis of one of the whores stretching three feet from the cavity in her chest to the silver rings in his earlobe. She batted the lashes on all of her eyes, and he was almost convinced. She smelled like wildflowers, some kind of cheap duty-free perfume. Then the scent in the air turned suddenly sickeningly sweet, like rotting fruit, and he felt a shadow on his back. Flies buzzed around his shoulders.

    “You lost?” Lars didn’t even turn around. He knew the smell. The whore with the proboscis slunk back into her archway, swinging her protrusion toward another customer. “There isn’t a fucking forest within ten lightyears of this spinner.”

    Something hard and wooden crunched. Leaves rustled.

    Lars turned. “Speak an actual language,” he said. “The station sensors will translate.”

    The plantform towered over him, sagging heavily, eyes bloodshot and reptilian. Deep cuts scarred its trunk, and some of the eye sockets were hollow, grayed. Bark flaked away as it moved its branches to shrug.

    “What, you lose your speaking bits? No wooden tongue in that trunk?”

    The eyes blinked. Lars had run into plantforms on a dozen different planets, usually minions and drudge workers—strong, not too bright, used to following orders. This one seemed dumber than the rest. Just a walking tree. He still felt the throb in his cock, and his knuckles ached from the chin-punching he’d done in the saloon. He needed a whore and a bowl of ice—definitely in that order. He wondered what tricks that proboscis could do.

    “Unless you’re paying me by the hour, sticks, beat it. I’m on shore leave.”

    A thick branch around his arm stopped him from ducking through the red arch.

    “Fuck you doing, sticks? Didn’t you see the show back at the bar?”

    The branch tightened. Bark dug into flesh. It reminded Lars of the Indian burns his brothers used to give him, only a thousand times worse. With his free hand, he slugged the exo’s trunk, thudding against living wood until his knuckles bled. The yellow eyes blinked at him heedlessly. The lights of the hub danced across its body, bright reds and blues and yellows: a haunted tree from the forest of your nightmares. Lars put his hands up, and the plantform slackened its grip. 

    “Take me to your leader,” he said. And the plantform shuffled its root system toward the opposite end of the hub.
Log in to add a comment or review for this chapter Chapter updated on: 11/20/2015 4:06:42 PM
  • Yashita Ghazi commented on :
    5/31/2017 4:20:51 PM
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  • Zane Bixby commented on :
    5/3/2017 4:39:28 PM
    "He is a puncher of chins." Got it you sold me on the story in the first paragraph lol.
  • Anonymous commented on :
    4/29/2017 2:06:52 AM
    Totally a guilty pleasure - Love this! (Even if it *is* a bit weird to know how much my family loves it, too . . . )
  • Nyri Bakkalian commented on :
    9/11/2016 3:37:21 AM
    Damn! Talk about strange new worlds! You've got some colorful, fascinating, delightfully crude storytelling going on here, and I'm looking forward to reading more already!
    • Brandon Getz Thanks! Keep me posted on your piece -- will check it out asap!
      9/12/2016 1:49:15 AM
  • Edmund Stone commented on :
    8/18/2016 1:13:14 AM
    The characters are interesting. The story seemed like an R rated Guardians of the Galaxy. I did like the flow and also the action right out of the box.
    • Brandon Getz Thanks! Hope you dig the rest -- the action keeps on truckin'.
      8/18/2016 2:14:02 AM
  • anna brown commented on :
    3/31/2016 12:54:32 AM
    Hello good day, i will like to meet you in person, am miss Anna, am from France and am leaving in London, please contact me on my email id at (annh1brown@hotmail.com), ... Show More
    • Brandon Getz Anna, my favorite part of your message is that you are a NaNoWriMo author. Have you written anything about leaving in London?
      6/10/2016 11:29:33 PM
  • Joe Green commented on :
    6/6/2016 10:45:46 PM
    This one has gotten me hooked right from the first paragraph. It is a work of sheer lunatic genius.
  • Oren Hammerquist commented on :
    3/11/2016 7:40:26 PM
    A bit tongue-in-cheek here. You've got an interesting world lined up with some vivid characters.
    • Brandon Getz Thanks, Oren. VERY tongue-in-cheek. A forked tongue boring past fangs through a leathery space-cheek.
      3/11/2016 7:47:34 PM
  • Saengard commented on :
    2/26/2016 2:37:35 AM
    Entertaining!
  • Lucius von Steinkaninchen commented on :
    2/11/2016 12:00:06 AM
    Awesome! I get a vibe of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Meets Kill Bill" reading this. =)
    • Brandon Getz I completely support that vibe.
      2/11/2016 3:59:43 PM
  • Andre Clemons commented on :
    2/3/2016 12:47:58 AM
    Oh, this is a fun space epic right out the gate--with lines like "a spinning space disco selling everything from dick to dried vegetables", you got me hooked for the long run.
  • Kit Karlsson commented on :
    1/19/2016 4:32:38 PM
    Wow! Fantastic setting! Great writing, I felt immediately pulled into the story. I've seen this serial around the site and I'm glad I'm finally starting to read it. At ... Show More
    • Brandon Getz Thanks so much! I'm just trying to keep trucking for now, not worrying about what happens with it after the last page. But it would be cool to get it in print after some revisions. If it happens, I'll post here & all over twitter!
      1/19/2016 8:51:40 PM
    • Kit Karlsson Well, I'll keep an eye out and (secretly) hope that you publish it. I love the idea of the serial, and you do a great job of creating its atmosphere.
      1/25/2016 2:32:23 AM
  • Ashley Bach commented on :
    1/16/2016 4:10:45 AM
    Hi, Brandon, Michael Cox suggested this to me, and I must say I am happy he did.
    • Brandon Getz Hey, that's awesome! I'll have to thank Dr. Cox for the publicity. Glad you dig it!
      1/19/2016 3:59:21 PM
  • Ashley Bach commented on :
    1/16/2016 4:12:14 AM
    It reminds me of Cory Doctorow.
  • Jennifer L. Barnes commented on :
    10/22/2015 2:31:29 AM
    A werewolf punching people in space. My kind of story.
  • Nic Eaton commented on :
    9/21/2015 4:40:44 PM
    I have a lot of lycanthropartying to catch up with. I'll be burning through Lars Breaxface over the next week. Thanks for letting me know about JukePop, man!
    • Brandon Getz haha "lycanthropartying" -- I might have to steal that.
      9/23/2015 5:44:29 PM
  • Will Smith commented on :
    9/16/2015 12:35:33 AM
    Awesome read definitely enjoying it. I'd just watch on proofreading it.
  • Kat Mann commented on :
    6/29/2015 10:01:58 PM
    Cannot wait to read more Brandon, this is a super fun read already! The main character reminds me of someone I would come up with too. And yes, image used with ... Show More
    • Brandon Getz Kat, thanks!! And thanks so much again for the artwork. I've been getting tons of great feedback on it. :)
      6/30/2015 2:57:59 PM
  • Greg Leunig commented on :
    6/29/2015 5:44:56 PM
    Freakin' awesome.
  • 3/12/2016 4:32:14 PM
    Fast-paced and funny! Reads a lot like a x-rated Futurama episode; there's so much going on just the first few paragraphs. Consider this upvoted and added to my shelf!
    • Brandon Getz Thanks! "Reads like an X-rated Futurama episode" --- totally agree!
      3/12/2016 5:45:45 PM